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NO EYEWITNESS NEWS BY MIKE COLONNA WISE GUYS Cooking Segments

CICERON This Report Women Milan Italy. Since women are wearing perfumes that smell like flowers, So Joe D'Amato’s invented a new scent. It’s called “The Smell of Cash!” The Vatican has published an edict. All religious people should follow the word of the Holy Father. He says Make love not war, or do both. Get Married. An Italian philosopher in the 1500's offered this advice about marriage. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. We’ve never learned our lesson. Back to you in the Studio

CICERON Women in Paris, France are wearing perfumes that smell like flowers. So Joe D'amato invented a great new scent. It’s called “The Smell of Cash!” The Vatican has published an edict. All religious people should follow the word of the Holy Father. He says Make love no war, or do both. Get Married. Sicily’s worst air disaster happened this weekend. A small plane with 2 crashed in a Palermo cemetery. Rescue workers recovered more than 1thousand 8 hundred missing bodies and expect that number to climb as digging continues. Back to you in the Studio

LANTERO Inventor Pasquale Rizza ‘s latest invention stained glass contact lenses, they’re made for people who want to sleep when they’re in church. A new report says 29 percent of all Italians above the age of 16 have no clue, the highest score within the Europe Union, a German research has concluded. The European average of people who no NO clue is 14 percent. The Italian men and women are respectively 22 percent and 36 per cent clueless. In Rome local police described a woman from Weight Watchers with an hourglass figure with a couple of minutes to spare, She was caught shoplifting cupcakes from Angelo’s Bakery in downtown Rome. When the Carabinieri arrived they looked in her purse, not only did they find cupcakes, but 4 connoli’s, three biscotti and a loaf of focaccia bread. Back to you in the Studio

CICERON A line in the Godfather had to be thrown out, one of the characters was half Polish and half Italian. He made himself and offer he couldn’t understand. There’s a new poster out to build Sicilian Pride. It says “Sicily land of strong men and nervous sheep. A Venice Gondolier received 5 Stars for Rapping while taking tourists around the Venetian Canals. Some of his famous songs include “Hip Hop Italiano,” “Hey Bro, That’s Amore,” and “Midnite Train to Florence,” A Sicilian Nonna Hosts a TV Show called “Fuhgeddaboudit Fettuccine.” She has 1.2 million followers, mostly because she ends each recipe by wagging a spoon and singing “Who’s your Daddy?” Back to you in the Studio

CECERON An Italian philosopher in the 1500’s offered this advice about marriage. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Women in Paris, France are wearing perfumes that smell like flowers. So Joe D'Mato invented a great new scent. It’s called “The Smell of Cash!” Italian Airlines are getting ready for the Christmas Holidays. A whistleblower reports that during the month of December Italian airlines are putting mistletoe above baggage counters so you can kiss your luggage goodbye! A Rome University “Think Tank” survey reports the major causes of death are too many birthdays. Frank Coletti took his wife to a Sicilian doctor yesterday. The Doctor told him “I’m not too thrilled with the way your wife looks.” Colletti said “That makes two of us.” His wife filed for divorce the next morning.

CICERON A Naples man almost lost his life after getting hit over the head with an accordion in Garibaldi Square, yesterday. The Accordion man had his monkey on a leash collecting tips with a tin cup. The street musician took offense when the Tourist insulted his monkey. Police stepped in and asked the Accordion man why he almost killed the foreign visitor, he told the officer in charge the tourist insulted his monkey when he said “Italians are so cute when they’re little!” Back to you in the Studio

CICERON The University of Rome reported the following research, if it weren’t for divorce, coffee shops in Italy wouldn’t have waitresses. A new study in Italy by the University of Bologna asked 10 women and 10 men if marriage was a wonderful institution. Everyone agreed except Guido Romano, he said after 40 years of marriage who wants to live in an institution? Back to you in the Studio

CICERON A sociologist from the United States is in Italy studying Italian Lovers. While driving to Rome she passed a man in black pants and a plain white shirt working in a vineyard. She stopped and asked the man about his sex life. He said “I have sex maybe 15 times a year.” The sociologist said “that’s not too much,” the man said “what do you expect from a priest without a car!” Naples police arrested 54 year old Guytano Malatesta outside a local bank after he used a demand note written on the back of his own birth certificate. Police interviewed his wife about the bank robbery and she agreed, my husband has always been a few fries short of a Happy Meal! Tony’s Flying Pizza Chain has opened 20 pizzerias in Rome. The Vatican ordered 20 Pizzas yesterday, the Flying Pizza arrived in the Sistine Chapel just in time for dinner. One Priest said..”The Pepperoni whirled above the pizza and the Mozzarella cheese looked like wings from angels as they flew onto our dining room table, it was a miracle!” Back to you in the Studio

CICERON Italian Scholar Larenzo Mastacholli wrote that some people achieve greatness by looking, dressing and walking like an Italian. Others are lucky to be born Italian. A few advantages of being Italian are, you can talk back to your barber, you can read Italian subtitles, and you’ll be able to pronounce “Marcello Mastroianni, minestrone" and “ciao.” And don’t forget you’ll have Columbus Day off. Common sense tells us your Italian ancestors made American Great. The first people who came to America were Italian. There was Cristoforo Columbo, Giovanni Cabotto, and Amerigo Vespucci. They were also the first Italians who changed their names for business reasons. Back to the studio

CICERON The 69-year-old is the first-ever pope hailing from the US, having been born in Chicago, Illinois. And as you can imagine, the internet wasted no time in commenting on the moment, with reactions that verged from humorous to plain dumb – especially when it came to the internet, who weren’t pleased that the new pope didn’t speak in English for his first speech. Some of the comments we collected here at the Vatican. Pope Francis from Chicago may be the first pontiff from the Catholic Church to be a White Sox Fan. Walter Peyton, Michael Jordan, Mike Ditka, and now God! Pope Francis’s probably eaten more hot dogs than all the previous 266 Popes combined. Catholics from the U.S.and around the world are wondering if the new Pope who likes “hot dogs” will lift the “don’t eat meat on Friday,” dictum? And word is that the new Pope will be sporting a new Popemobile. (Picture of a White GMC Pickup Truck) Back to you in the studio.

In Eraclea, near Venice, it's illegal to build sandcastles on the beach. They "obstruct the passage", apparently. In Lerici, on the Italian riviera, you must wear more than just swimwear on your way to and from the seaside. Once back at your lodgings, you must not hang your towels out of the window to dry them. The island of Capri also insists that holiday-makers dress modestly in the street. Quietly, as well: noisy shoes such as clogs or wooden-soled sandals will land you in trouble. Castellammare di Stabia, south of Naples, has outlawed miniskirts, low-cut jeans and too much cleavage. Offenders face a €300 fine. Also forbidden: swearing in public, lying on benches, climbing trees and walking a dog on too long a leash. In Eraclea, near Venice, it's illegal to build sandcastles on the beach. They "obstruct the passage", apparently. In Lerici, on the Italian riviera, you must wear more than just swimwear on your way to and from the seaside. Once back at your lodgings, you must not hang your towels out of the window to dry them. The island of Capri also insists that holiday-makers dress modestly in the street. Quietly, as well: noisy shoes such as clogs or wooden-soled sandals will land you in trouble. Castellammare di Stabia, south of Naples, has outlawed miniskirts, low-cut jeans and too much cleavage. Offenders face a €300 fine. Also forbidden: swearing in public, lying on benches, climbing trees and walking a dog on too long a leash. In Lucca, in Tuscany, you must not feed pigeons in the town centre. (Cesena, on the Adriatic coast, extends the ban to feral cats.) In Eboli, you'd better check your wallet before kissing anyone in a car. The maximum fine for such a transgression is €500. In Rome, it's forbidden to eat in the street in the historic centre. Italian Jeans Genes Two threads of Italian DNA where walking down the street. One says to the other do these genes makes me look fat? Court Verdicts that Shocked Italy Remember, wherever you are in Italy, if you're a man you must not grab your crotch ostentatiously, even for the time-honoured purpose of warding off bad luck - such as visiting a country where almost everything is prohibited. Earthquake Fault of Scientists Six Italian scientists were found guilty of multiple manslaughter for underestimating the risks of a killer earthquake in L'Aquila in 2009. Photograph: Filippo Monteforte/AFP/Getty Images. On Monday, seven Italian seismologists were sentenced to six years' jail for manslaughter for not predicting an earthquake that hit the city of L'Aquila in 2009, killing 300 people. It's not the first verdict that has caused jaws to drop there. Other Bizarre Italian Court Decisions It's not just the seismologists who were jailed for not predicting an earthquake. This nation has a long history of bizarre legal decisions Women wearing jeans cannot be raped In February 1999 an appeal court overturned the rape conviction of a 45-year-old man after noting his 18-year-old victim had been wearing jeans. "It is common knowledge," ruled the court, "that jeans cannot even be partly removed without the help of the person wearing them ... and it is impossible if the victim is struggling with all her might." [Will and Guy hope that modern Italian judges are more enlightened]. Judge orders father to pay 32-year-old daughter pocket money Eight years into her degree in philosophy, Marina Casagrande, 32, was still living at home and took offence when her father tried to halt her €350-a-month allowance. So did a judge, who ordered her dad to keep up the payments and hand over €12,000 in arrears. In Lucca, in Tuscany, you must not feed pigeons in the town centre. (Cesena, on the Adriatic coast, extends the ban to feral cats.) In Eboli, you'd better check your wallet before kissing anyone in a car. The maximum fine for such a transgression is €500. In Rome, it's forbidden to eat in the street in the historic centre. Italian Jeans Genes Two threads of Italian DNA where walking down the street. One says to the other do these genes makes me look fat? Court Verdicts that Shocked Italy Remember, wherever you are in Italy, if you're a man you must not grab your crotch ostentatiously, even for the time-honoured purpose of warding off bad luck - such as visiting a country where almost everything is prohibited. Earthquake Fault of Scientists Six Italian scientists were found guilty of multiple manslaughter for underestimating the risks of a killer earthquake in L'Aquila in 2009. Photograph: Filippo Monteforte/AFP/Getty Images. On Monday, seven Italian seismologists were sentenced to six years' jail for manslaughter for not predicting an earthquake that hit the city of L'Aquila in 2009, killing 300 people. It's not the first verdict that has caused jaws to drop there. Other Bizarre Italian Court Decisions It's not just the seismologists who were jailed for not predicting an earthquake. This nation has a long history of bizarre legal decisions Women wearing jeans cannot be raped In February 1999 an appeal court overturned the rape conviction of a 45-year-old man after noting his 18-year-old victim had been wearing jeans. "It is common knowledge," ruled the court, "that jeans cannot even be partly removed without the help of the person wearing them ... and it is impossible if the victim is struggling with all her might." [Will and Guy hope that modern Italian judges are more enlightened]. Judge orders father to pay 32-year-old daughter pocket money Eight years into her degree in philosophy, Marina Casagrande, 32, was still living at home and took offence when her father tried to halt her €350-a-month allowance. So did a judge, who ordered her dad to keep up the payments and hand over €12,000 in arrears.