NO EYEWITNESS NEWS BY MIKE COLONNA WISE GUYS Cooking Segments CARDINAL This Report Women Milan Italy. Since women are wearing perfumes that smell like flowers, So Joe D'amato’s invented a new scent. It’s called “The Smell of Cash!” The Vatican has published an edict. All religious people should follow the word of the Holy Father. He says Make love not war, or do both. Get Married. An Italian philosopher in the 1500 offered this advice about marriage. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Back to you in the Studio

CICERON Women in Paris, France are wearing perfumes that smell like flowers. So Joe D'amato invented a great new scent. It’s called “The Smell of Cash!” The Vatican has published an edict. All religious people should follow the word of the Holy Father. He says Make love no war, or do both. Get Married. An Italian philosopher in the 1500 offered this advice about marriage. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Back to you in the Studio

CICERON Women in Paris, France are wearing perfumes that smell like flowers. So Joe D'mato invented a great new scent. It’s called “The Smell of Cash!” The Vatican has published an edict. All religious people should follow the word of the Holy Father. He says Make love no war, or do both. Get Married. Sicily’s worst air disaster happened this weekend. A small plane with 2 crashed in a Palermo cemetery. Rescue workers recovered more than 1thousand 8 hundred missing bodies and expect that number to climb as digging continues. Back to you in the Studio

CICERON Inventor Pasquale Rizza ‘s latest invention stained glass contact lenses, they’re made for people who want to sleep when they’re in church. A new report says 29 percent of all Italians above the age of 16 have no clue, the highest score within the Europe Union, a German research has concluded. The European average of people who no NO clue is 14 percent. The Italian men and women are respectively 22 percent and 36 per cent clueless. In Rome local police described a woman from Weight Watchers with an hourglass figure with a couple of minutes to spare, She was caught shoplifting cupcakes from Angelo’s Bakery in downtown Rome. When the Carabinieri arrived they looked in her purse, not only did they find cupcakes, but 4 connoli’s, three biscotti and a loaf of focaccia bread. Back to you in the Studio

CICERON A line in the Godfather had to be thrown out, one of the characters was half Polish and half Italian. He made himself and offer he couldn’t understand. There’s a new poster out to build Sicilian Pride. It says “Sicily land of strong men and nervous sheep. A Venice Gondolier received 5 Stars for Rapping while taking tourists around the Venetian Canals. Some of his famous songs include “Hip Hop Italiano,” “Hey Bro, That’s Amore,” and “Midnite Train to Florence,” “I want to hold your gun.” A Sicilian Nonna Hosts a TV Show called “Fuhgeddaboudit Fettuccine.” She has 1.2 million followers, mostly because she ends each recipe by wagging a spoon and singing “Who’s your Daddy?” Back to you in the Studio

CECERON An Italian philosopher in the 1500’s offered this advice about marriage. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Women in Paris, France are wearing perfumes that smell like flowers. So Joe D'Mato invented a great new scent. It’s called “The Smell of Cash!” The Vatican has published an edict. All religious people should follow the word of the Holy Father. He says Make love no war, or do both. Get Married. Italian Airlines are getting ready for the Christmas Holidays. A whistleblower reports that during the month of December Italian airlines are putting mistletoe above baggage counters so you can kiss your luggage goodbye! A Rome University “Think Tank” survey reports the major causes of death are too many birthdays. Frank Coletti took his wife to a Sicilian doctor yesterday. The Doctor told him “I’m not too thrilled with the way your wife looks.” Colletti said “That makes two of us.” His wife filed for divorce the next morning.

CICERON A Naples man almost lost his life after getting hit over the head with an accordion in Garibaldi Square, yesterday. The Accordion man had his monkey on a leash collecting tips with a tin cup. The street musician took offense when the Tourist insulted his monkey. Police stepped in and asked the Accordion man why he almost killed the foreign visitor, he told the officer in charge the tourist insulted his monkey when he said “Italians are so cute when they’re little!” Back to you in the Studio

CICERON Frank Coletti took his wife to a Sicilian doctor yesterday. The Doctor told him “I’m not too thrilled with the way your wife looks.” Colletti said “That makes two of us.” His wife filed for divorce the next morning. The University of Rome reported the following research, if it weren’t for divorce, coffee shops in Italy wouldn’t have waitresses. A new study in Italy by the University of Bologna asked 10 women and 10 men if marriage was a wonderful institution. Everyone agreed except Guido Romano, he said after 40 years of marriage who wants to live in an institution? Back to you in the Studio

CICERON A sociologist from the United States is in Italy studying Italian Lovers. While driving to Rome she passed a man in black pants and a plain white shirt working in a vineyard. She stopped and asked the man about his sex life. He said “I have sex maybe 15 times a year.” The sociologist said “that’s not too much,” the man said “what do you expect from a priest without a car!” Naples police arrested 54 year old Guytano Malatesta outside a local bank after he used a demand note written on the back of his own birth certificate. Police interviewed his wife about the bank robbery and she agreed, my husband has always been a few fries short of a Happy Meal! Father Stephano Ciceron reports from our Vatican Bureau

CICERON Tony’s Flying Pizza Chain has opened 20 pizzerias in Rome. The Vatican ordered 20 Pizzas yesterday, the Flying Pizza arrived in the Sistine Chapel just in time for dinner. One Priest said..”The Pepperoni whirled above the pizza and the Mozzarella cheese looked like wings from angels as they flew onto our dining room table, it was a miracle!” Back to you in the Studio

LANTERO Finally Police were called Sunday morning to Rockwell Park in Flushing New York. He was charged for a burglary complaint Detectives were told by that someone was in the chimney. The thief, who was not injured, was arrested and charged with burglary, trespassing and impersonating Santa Clause. Remember...The easiest way for a man to instantly fall asleep is to ask his wife what she did today. Tune in next time when NO EYEWITNESS NEWS when we report News you can FOGETTABOUT!

10/LANTERO I’m MARCUS LANTERO-We’re here to cover the news nobody wants to talk about. We uncover stories that will make you think while you're eating your favorite pasta. News that you can FOGETTABOUT! Fans flocked to Huntington Beach on Friday to watch top canine athletes compete in the Purina Pro Plan Incredible Dog Challenge surf contest. Dogs ranging from 2 to 13 years old — Corgis, Dalmatians, Pit Bulls, Labradors and more — showed off their skills riding waves, drawing cheers from beachside spectators as they aimed to “hang ten” and secure a spot in K9 surfing history. A police officer responding to a gunshot call called his police chief. Officer - "We have an old lady here who shot her husband for walking on the floor after she just mopped it" Chief - "Have you arrested her?" Officer - "No, not yet. The floor is still wet" An officer pulled a man over in Chicago for speeding and asked him to get out of the car. The officer said, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really annoyed and replies, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?" Father Stephano Ciceron reports from our Vatican Bureau Sicilian Joseph Gooch, the inventor of concrete shoes, used by popular figures like Al Capone, Lucky Luciano, Cherry Nose LaBreeola, in the 1930’s invented a new line of “slip on” concrete footwear. The concrete “slip on shoes” were recently tested in the Chicago River, inventor Gooch calls them “Eternal Footwear”, one pair last forever on the floor of the Chicago River. Back to you in the Studio

LANTERO Finally Miami Police reported a blonde got in her car and noticed her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield was missing.She called the police and reported a theft. When the officer arrived, he looked at the blonde who was crying and said, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat... Remember...Never scratch your head at an auction. Tune in next time when NO EYEWITNESS NEWS when we report News you can FOGETTABOUT!

11/LANTERO I’m MARCUS LANTERO-We’re here to cover the news nobody wants to talk about. We uncover stories that will make you think while you're eating your favorite pasta. News that you can FOGETTABOUT! History tells us our Italian ancestors originally made America Great. The first people who came to America were from Italy. There was Cristoforo Columbo, Giovanni Cabotto, and Amerigo Vespucci. They were also the first Italians who changed their names for business reasons. A little known fact was that Cristoforo Columbo’s ships on their first voyage were called the Anna Maria and the Alberghetti. We know Italians did change their real names for reasons that disappointed their parents. Tony Bennett, Frankie Avalon, Bobby Rydell, Dion, and Dean Martin. The reason their original names wouldn’t fit on a Marquee. Cardinal Stephano Ciceron reports from our Vatican Bureau

CICERON Italian Scholar Larenzo Mastacholli wrote that some people achieve greatness by looking, dressing and walking like an Italian. Others are lucky to be born Italian. A few advantages of being Italian are, you can talk back to your barber, you can read Italian subtitles, and you’ll be able to pronounce “Marcello Mastroianni, minestrone" and “ciao.” And don’t forget you’ll have Columbus Day off. Common sense tells us your Italian ancestors made American Great. The first people who came to America were Italian. There was Cristoforo Columbo, Giovanni Cabotto, and Amerigo Vespucci. They were also the first Italians who changed their names for business reasons. Back to the studio LANTERO Finally A line that I used on my last trip to Italy was “Signorina, your eyes are as liquid as Anisette:, your little ears remind me of chilled limoncello, your lips are like a tasty Spumoni. I am drunk with your beauty. I wound up in a hospital in Rome for five days. Tune in next time when NO EYEWITNESS NEWS when we report News you can FOGETTABOUT!

12/LANTERO I’m MARCUS LANTERO-We’re here to cover the news nobody wants to talk about. We uncover stories that will make you think while you're eating your favorite pasta. News that you can FOGETTABOUT! Al Pacino has become the first major Hollywood celebrity to have an official audience with the newly elected pope, Pope Leo XIV. The star of The Godfather and Serpico met the pontiff at the Vatican on Monday. Pacino, 85, is currently in Italy shooting Maserati. More on that story from Cardinal Stephano Ciceron reporting from our Vatican Bureau

CICERON The 69-year-old is the first-ever pope hailing from the US, having been born in Chicago, Illinois. And as you can imagine, the internet wasted no time in commenting on the moment, with reactions that verged from humorous to plain dumb – especially when it came to the internet, who weren’t pleased that the new pope didn’t speak in English for his first speech. Some of the comments we collected here at the Vatican. Pope Francis from Chicago may be the first pontiff from the Catholic Church to be a White Sox Fan. Walter Peyton, Michael Jordan, Mike Ditka, and now God! Pope Francis’s probably eaten more hot dogs than all the previous 266 Popes combined. Catholics from the U.S.and around the world are wondering if the new Pope who likes “hot dogs” will lift the “don’t eat meat on Friday,” dictum? And word is that the new Pope will be sporting a new Popemobile. (Picture of a White GMC Pickup Truck) Back to you in the studio. Finally LANTERO You may think Olive Oil shampoos and growing a mustache will help you look Italian, but the real secret is acquiring a Roman nose. You may find a doctor willing to use left-overs from an outpatients nose job. Tune in next time when NO EYEWITNESS NEWS when we report News you can FOGETTABOUT!

CICERON A Naples man almost lost his life after getting hit over the head with an accordion in Garibaldi Square, yesterday. The Accordion man had his monkey on a leash collecting tips with a tin cup. The street musician took offense when the Tourist insulted his monkey. Police stepped in and asked the Accordion man why he almost killed the foreign visitor, he told the officer in charge the tourist insulted his monkey when he said “Italians are so cute when they’re little!” Back to you in the Studio