Studio 55

Address Phone Number SONNY VELLOZZI Wise Guys Cooking 1 Mike Colonna 714-747-5670 STEVE Today we have the pleasure of introducing North Phili’s’own SONNY “The Chin” VELLOZZI. May I call you “The Chin?” Sonny or Mr. Vellozzi. SONNY VELLOZZI Any one of those would be fine. STEVE Are you married. SONNY VELLOZZI Yes I am and I want to make a few comments about marriage. (MORE) SONNY VELLOZZI (CONT’D) Remember marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution. Love is grand, divorce is a hundred grand. Marriage is about finding that one special person who you want to annoy for the rest of your life. No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not be in love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, (MORE) SONNY VELLOZZI (CONT’D) Not to love is to suffer, TO suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore to be unhappy one must love or love to suffer. or suffer from too much happiness. Or in other words It’s not the men or women in your life that count, it’s how much money they have in their bank account! STEVE Any other advice? SONNY VELLOZZI Remember you can go a long way with a smile, you can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun. STEVE (CONT’D) You’ve come a long way from your home town on the East Coast. SONNY VELLOZZI You hit the nail on the head. My philosophy is borrow from your friends, and when they ain’t got any more money, make new friends. STEVE I have a two part question. (MORE) STEVE (CONT’D) What is your opinion of the American Stock Market? SONNY VELLOZZI I am a believer in Wall Street and the stock market, my advice is when you’re IQ rises to 28 SELL! Your second question? STEVE Is there a reason you don’t have a lot of friends in this country? SONNY VELLOZZI I told my wife the other night, everyone hates me. She said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn’t met me. STEVE What do you think about that old adage about an apple a day. SONNY VELLOZZI My dear father Pasquale told me son, he always called me son, an apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough. STEVE I have a two part question. Professor you’ve studied human behavior, have you found anything unusual? SONNY VELLOZZI You know I’ve always wondered, as intelligent people, of which I know you all are, (MORE) SONNY VELLOZZI (CONT’D) we know the sound of two hands clapping, what’s the sound of one hand clapping? Second question. STEVE You are considered a world renown wordsmith. Do you have any new ideas. SONNY VELLOZZI In this vast universe we live in, we are all problem solvers, I’ve been thinking, instead of calling the bathroom the JOHN, try calling it the JIM, that way you can say you’re going to the JIM every morning. Thank you for your brilliant questions. (MORE) SONNY VELLOZZI (CONT’D) I’ll leave you with one thought. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Wise Guys Cooking 2 SONNY VELLOZZI Mike Colonna STEVE Again we have the unique pleasure introducing North Phili’s’own SONNY “The Chin” VEllOZZI. He has a keen knowledge of world history and was awarded the world famous BIZARRE AWARD. (MORE) STEVE (CONT’D) Without further adieu, here is SONNY “The Chin” VELLOZZI. SONNY VELLOZZI Ladies and gentlemen. We are all into gadgets these days, I-phones, flash drives, and smart women. The one’s that guide you when you’re driving. I was driving with a hangover the other day and the GPS lady says “after 300 feet, stop, and let me out.” As you may know I am a romantic and I also offer advice on marriage STEVE Professor how many times have you been married. SONNY VELLOZZI Let’s see, no more than five times. My wives all died of natural causes. STEVE Could you explain? SONNY VELLOZZI Tina, number one died in an earthquake, Maria, wife 2, died in a hurricane, Josephine, number 3 died in a tidal wave, Marcella number 4 died in a thunder storm, Edna my fifth wife ran away with my best friend. STEVE Do you always use big words in your lectures? SONNY VELLOZZI I never use a big word when a filthy word will do. STEVE What is your opinion of healthy people? SONNY VELLOZZI I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex and rich foods. He was very healthy right up to the day he killed himself. STEVE Is life fair? SONNY VELLOZZI If life was fair, Elvis Presley would be alive and all Elvis impersonators would be dead. (MORE) SONNY VELLOZZI (CONT’D) Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Wise Guys Cooking 3 SONNY VELLOZZI Mike Colonna STEVE Let’s welcome again North Phili’s’own SONNY “The Chin” VallOZZI. Considered one of the top minds in his Strawberry Mansion neighborhood SONNY VELLOZZI “The Chin” Vellozzi. SONNY VELLOZZI I hope you excuse me for being late, the person who gave me directions here has obviously heard me speak before. STEVE Thank you, today we will talk about that “word called love.” Your Thoughts. SONNY VELLOZZI Love, not lust, a woman in lust wants chocolate, a woman in love wants diamonds. Love is like happiness. Happiness is finding two olives in you martini when you’re hungry. STEVE (CONT’D) You are an excellent speaker, can you give us some tips. SONNY VELLOZZI I’m glad you asked. (MORE) SONNY VELLOZZI (CONT’D) You may not know this but to become a great speaker, you must practice all the time. I have found that it helps putting a bunch of marbles in my mouth while I talk. Slowly but surely you take away a marble. And then another, and when you’ve lost all of your marbles, you’ve then become a great public speaker. STEVE Is it unusual to speak before small crowds? SONNY VELLOZZI I consider this gathering, what they all “intimate.” Which means where is everybody. STEVE What is your opinion of people who smoke? SONNY VELLOZZI We all know that “smoking kills.” If your killed you’ve lost a very important part of your life. STEVE A follow up question. Do you have any other advice. SONNY VELLOZZI I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade, and try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a big party. STEVE You look very healthy. SONNY VELLOZZI You know I recently went to the Doctor, he held a stethoscope up to my chest. I said Doc, how do I stand? He said that’s what puzzles me. STEVE I see your wife in the audience, is she always with you? SONNY VELLOZZI Yes she takes very good care of herself. She went to a beauty show the other day for two hours. She decided to get a mud pack and looked great for two days, then the mud pack fell off. STEVE Thank you for being such a great and understanding audience, until next time. Wise Guys Cooking 4 Mike Colonna STEVE (CONT’D) We’re lucky to have SONNY “The Chin” VELLOZZI here today.One Of the movers and shakers of North Philli, Let’s welcome again Strawberry Mansion’s own SONNY “The Chin” VALLOZZI. SONNY VELLOZZI Thank you for that great introduction. How many of you like Chinese food. Won Ton Soup? (MORE) SONNY VELLOZZI (CONT’D) Did you know that there was a study that found that Italians are not fond of Chinese food very much. That could be due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backwards spell Not Now. Speaking of the Holidays, Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. STEVE I see you are a big fan of Thanksgiving. SONNY VELLOZZI Yes I am, people travel thousands of miles to be with people they will only see once a year. And then they find out that once a year is enough. STEVE Any ideas on how to prepare a Thanksgiving Turkey? SONNY VELLOZZI Yes the best way to thaw a frozen turkey is to blow in it’s ear. STEVE Do you have any opinions about marriage? SONNY VELLOZZI I have always felt that a wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers. STEVE Follow up, how did you meet your current wife and are you happy? SONNY VELLOZZI You know to be honest, I hope she’s not listening, (MORE) SONNY VELLOZZI (CONT’D) When I originally met her I thought she was Misses Right, I had no idea her first name was ALWAYS. STEVE What is the secret to being married. SONNY VELLOZZI The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. STEVE What about Divorce? SONNY VELLOZZI Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. STEVE How did you meet your fifth wife. After the first 15 minutes I wanted to marry her. And after a half hour I completely gave up the idea of stealing her purse. STEVE Have you ever taken you wife on a romantic trip. SONNY VELLOZZI I almost did. Consider me inconsiderate. I won a trip for 2 to Paris. I went twice. STEVE Follow up, are you a good husband? I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine, he gets’ better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. STEVE When is the last time you saw your wife? SONNY VELLOZZI I haven’t seen my wife in a month? STEVE Do you miss her. SONNY VELLOZZI Not yet. STEVE You’ve been married more than 5 times. That’s right. I’ve been married so many times, I’ve got rice marks on my face. STEVE Is it true that married men live longer than single men? SONNY VELLOZZI No, it only seems longer. Just remember marriage is a fifty - fifty proposition who ever tells you that is bad at math. STEVE Thank you Mr. Vellozzi