NoEyeWitness News

NO EYEWITNESS NEWS BY MIKE COLONNA WISE GUYS Cooking Segments 1/LANTERO I’m MARCUS LANTERO-We’re here to cover the news nobody wants to talk about. We uncover stories that will make you think while you're eating your favorite pasta. News that you can FOGETTABOUT! A Man Named Guido, from Orange County, walked into a bar and admired a stuffed lion’s head mounted on the wall. He told the owner of the bar Joey Santino the Lion’s head was a beautiful trophy, Santino said “I wouldn’t call it beautiful, that lion killed my wife. Guido said were you on a safari? Santino said NO the stuffed Lion trophy fell on her head! In Chicago schools are so tough, when kids get their pictures taken, there’s one taken from the front and one from the side! – A Florida man has opened the country’s first Alligator Yoga Studio in Gainesville, FL where participants stretch next to his emotional support alligators, The owner claims “The Alligator helps people relax.” Cardinal Stephano Ciceron reports from our Vatican Bureau Report Women in Paris, France are wearing perfumes that smell like flowers. So Joe D'amato invented a great new scent. It’s called “The Smell of Cash!” The Vatican has published an edict. All religious people should follow the word of the Holy Father. He says Make love no war, or do both. Get Married. An Italian philosopher in the 1500 offered this advice about marriage. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Back to you in the Studio LANTERO Finally A Texas Man Arrested for Riding a Lawnmower to Walmart – He said “I Was “Saving Gas and Mowing Along the Way.” The man was released when...Deputies reported the man did, in fact, trim most of the parking lot medians. Saving the city thousands of dollars. And Remember-Never ask a person who has no teeth to blow out the candles on your birthday cake. Tune in next time NO EYEWITNESS NEWS when we report News you can FOGETTABOUT!

2/LANTERO I’m MARCUS LANTERO-We’re here to cover the news nobody wants to talk about. We uncover stories that will make you think while you're eating your favorite pasta. News that you can FOGETTABOUT! California Declares Avocado Toast a Religious delicacy to worship. A Venice Beach group successfully registered as a church based on worshiping “the divine Avocado spread.” Sundays include brunch sermons and 10% not fat capuchinos. Joseph Fugazzi’s testimony at a New York Court did not help his case. The prosecutor asked Fugazzi where he came from. He said Sicily. I came-a-here from Palermo 50 years ago. All I had were the clothes on my back and a plain white handkerchief. The prosecutor asked “what did you have folded in the handkerchief? Fugazzi said, I think I had four hundred thousand dollars. Fugazzi lost his case. This story is from a small town outside of Buffalo, where a judge gave a middle aged man a divorce from his 14 year old wife. The judge asked the 40 year old man why he decided to divorce the teenager. He said because “she acts like a child!” 2/Cardinal Stephano Ciceron reports from our Vatican Bureau Report Women in Paris, France are wearing perfumes that smell like flowers. So Joe D'mato invented a great new scent. It’s called “The Smell of Cash!” The Vatican has published an edict. All religious people should follow the word of the Holy Father. He says Make love no war, or do both. Get Married. Sicily’s worst air disaster happened this weekend. A small plane with 2 crashed in a Palermo cemetery. Rescue workers recovered more than 1thousand 8 hundred missing bodies and expect that number to climb as digging continues. Back to you in the Studio LANTERO Finally In Flushing New York an old lady called Police. She reported the man next door keeps wandering around with no clothes on with his curtain open, when the police arrived they looked through the window and told the old woman “We can’t see into the house at all from here,” the old gal told the policeman, No you have to climb on the dresser and lout out the skylight, Remember...The only time it's ok to lie to a woman is when you are asked to guess their weight and age! Tune in next time when NO EYEWITNESS NEWS when we report News you can FOGETTABOUT!

3/LANTERO I’m MARCUS LANTERO-We’re here to cover the news nobody wants to talk about. We uncover stories that will make you think while you're eating your favorite pasta. News that you can FOGETTABOUT! This just in, a truck loaded with Viagra crashed into the Chicago River Bridge. It’s been reported that four hours have passed and the bridges are still up. Gambling is very dangerous and you can lose everything. Frankie Colangelo lost 50 dollars on a football game. Twenty five dollars on the game and 25 dollars on the replay. Inventor Pasquale Rizza ‘s latest invention stained glass contact lenses, they’re made for people who want to sleep when they’re in church. 3/Cardinal Stephano Ciceron reports from our Vatican Bureau Report A new report says 29 percent of all Italians above the age of 16 have no clue, the highest score within the Europe Union, a German research has concluded. The European average of people who no NO clue is 14 percent. The Italian men and women are respectively 22 percent and 36 per cent clueless. In Rome local police described a woman from Weight Watchers with an hourglass figure with a couple of minutes to spare, She was caught shoplifting cupcakes from Angelo’s Bakery in downtown Rome. When the Carabinieri arrived they looked in her purse, not only did they find cupcakes, but 4 connoli’s, three biscotti and a loaf of focaccia bread. Back to you in the Studio LANTERO Finally A tractor-trailer carrying mozzarella cheese was involved in a crash on Interstate 80 in Pennsylvania, causing a large spill that closed the highway for several hours. The crash, which involved three semi-trucks, resulted in a 200-yard debris field of shredded mozzarella. While no injuries were reported, the spilled cheese was recyled and sent to local Pizzarias in the Philadelphia area.. Remember...Never wear your best toupe to a hurricane. Tune in next time when NO EYEWITNESS NEWS when we report News you can FOGETTABOUT!

4/LANTERO I’m MARCUS LANTERO-We’re here to cover the news nobody wants to talk about. We uncover stories that will make you think while you're eating your favorite pasta. News that you can FOGETTABOUT! A line in the Godfather had to be thrown out, one of the characters was half Polish and half Italian. He made himself an offer he couldn’t understand. There’s a new poster out to build Sicilian Pride. It says “Sicily land of strong men and nervous sheep. There’s a man from the Ozarks in Tennessee who passed away recently and left his entire estate to the bereaved widow. She can’t touch it until she’s 14. 4/Cardinal Stephano Ciceron reports from our Vatican Bureau Report A line in the Godfather had to be thrown out, one of the characters was half Polish and half Italian. He made himself and offer he couldn’t understand. There’s a new poster out to build Sicilian Pride. It says “Sicily land of strong men and nervous sheep. A Venice Gondolier received 5 Stars for Rapping while taking tourists around the Venetian Canals. Some of his famous songs include “Hip Hop Italiano,” “Hey Bro, That’s Amore,” and “Midnite Train to Florence,” “I want to hold your gun.” A Sicilian Nonna Hosts a TV Show called “Fuhgeddaboudit Fettuccine.” She has 1.2 million followers, mostly because she ends each recipe by wagging a spoon and singing “Who’s your Daddy?” Back to you in the Studio Finally LANTERO An older man in a rest home was interviewed about his first date, ”He said, " She was a lovely girl, their relationship was fast and furious. He was fast and she was furious. Remember...Don't buy a convertible if you live in Alaska. Tune in next time when NO EYEWITNESS NEWS when we report News you can FOGETTABOUT!

5/LANTERO I’m MARCUS LANTERO-We’re here to cover the news nobody wants to talk about. We uncover stories that will make you think while you're eating your favorite pasta. News that you can FOGETTABOUT! An Italian philosopher in the 1500’s offered this advice about marriage. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Women in Paris, France are wearing perfumes that smell like flowers. So Joe D'Mato invented a great new scent. It’s called “The Smell of Cash!” The Vatican has published an edict. All religious people should follow the word of the Holy Father. He says Make love no war, or do both. Get Married. 5/Cardinal Stephano Ciceron reports from our Vatican Bureau Italian Airlines are getting ready for the Christmas Holidays. A whistleblower reports that during the month of December Italian airlines are putting mistletoe above baggage counters so you can kiss your luggage goodbye! A Rome University “Think Tank” survey reports the major causes of death are too many birthdays. Frank Coletti took his wife to a Sicilian doctor yesterday. The Doctor told him “I’m not too thrilled with the way your wife looks.” Colletti said “That makes two of us.” His wife filed for divorce the next morning. Tune in next time when NO EYEWITNESS NEWS when we report News you can FOGETTABOUT!

6/LANTERO I’m MARCUS LANTERO-We’re here to cover the news nobody wants to talk about. We uncover stories that will make you think while you're eating your favorite pasta. News that you can FOGETTABOUT! A Naples man almost lost his life after getting hit over the head with an accordion in Garibaldi Square, yesterday. The Accordion man had his monkey on a leash collecting tips with a tin cup. The street musician took offense when the Tourist insulted his monkey. Police stepped in and asked the Accordion man why he almost killed the foreign visitor, he told the officer in charge the tourist insulted his monkey when he said “Italians are so cute when they’re little!” Back to you in the Studio LANTERO Finally Some schools in New York are so tough, the school newspapers have obituary columns. Remember...Sucking in your belly does not mean you really lost five pounds. Tune in next time when NO EYEWITNESS NEWS when we report News you can FOGETTABOUT!

7/LANTERO I’m MARCUS LANTERO-We’re here to cover the news nobody wants to talk about. We uncover stories that will make you think while you're eating your favorite pasta. News that you can FOGETTABOUT! In Chicago schools are so tough, when kids get their school picture taken, there’s one taken from the front and one from the side. This story just in, a group of Climate activists have claimed that Rain is the biggest factor in flooding. In Flushing New York a stabbing disturbed during a class for anger management. 6/Cardinal Stephano Ciceron reports from our Vatican Bureau Report Frank Coletti took his wife to a Sicilian doctor yesterday. The Doctor told him “I’m not too thrilled with the way your wife looks.” Colletti said “That makes two of us.” His wife filed for divorce the next morning. The University of Rome reported the following research, if it weren’t for divorce, coffee shops in Italy wouldn’t have waitresses. A new study in Italy by the University of Bologna asked 10 women and 10 men if marriage was a wonderful institution. Everyone agreed except Guido Romano, he said after 40 years of marriage who wants to live in an institution? Back to you in the Studio LANTERO Finally Fire crews in Massachusetts were called after smoke in the sky turned out to be a cloud. The low flying cloud was seen passing over Lake Stupid in central Mass. Remember...When dining out with someone never argue over the bill. First, simply say, “I got it.” Then when they say, “No, I got it.” Say, “Thank You as fast as you can.” Tune in next time when NO EYEWITNESS NEWS when we report News you can FOGETTABOUT!

8/LANTERO I’m MARCUS LANTERO-We’re here to cover the news nobody wants to talk about. We uncover stories that will make you think while you're eating your favorite pasta. News that you can FOGETTABOUT! In Las Vegas a Doctor was sued by a very sensitive woman who was offended when he diagnosed her with acute appendicitis. The angry woman said “Don’t try hitting on me Doctor i just want to be examined not complimented. An Australian domestic flight was delayed for two hours after a stowaway snake was found in the plane’s cargo hold, officials said on Wednesday. The snake was found on Tuesday as passengers were boarding a Virgin Australia Flight at Melbourne Airport bound for Brisbane. The snake turned out to be a harmless 60-centimeter (2-foot) green tree snake. 8/Cardinal Stephano Ciceron reports from our Vatican Bureau Report A sociologist from the United States is in Italy studying Italian Lovers. While driving to Rome she passed a man in black pants and a plain white shirt working in a vineyard. She stopped and asked the man about his sex life. He said “I have sex maybe 15 times a year.” The sociologist said “that’s not too much,” the man said “what do you expect from a priest without a car!” Naples police arrested 54 year old Guytano Malatesta outside a local bank after he used a demand note written on the back of his own birth certificate. Police interviewed his wife about the bank robbery and she agreed, my husband has always been a few fries short of a Happy Meal! Tune in next time when NO EYEWITNESS NEWS when we report News you can FOGETTABOUT!

9/LANTERO I’m MARCUS LANTERO-We’re here to cover the news nobody wants to talk about. We uncover stories that will make you think while you're eating your favorite pasta. News that you can FOGETTABOUT! Italian men always use their hands to express their anger. A Chicago man was so upset while having lunch with his wife yesterday at Pasquali’s Italian Restaurant after she accused him of seeing another woman, he showed his disgust by biting the knuckles of his fist and his false teeth flew into his wife Angelina’s minestrone soup. An officer pulled a man over in Chicago for speeding and asked him to get out of the car. The officer said, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really annoyed and replies, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?" /Father Stephano Ciceron reports from our Vatican Bureau Report Tony’s Flying Pizza Chain has opened 20 pizzerias in Rome. The Vatican ordered 20 Pizzas yesterday, the Flying Pizza arrived in the Sistine Chapel just in time for dinner. One Priest said..”The Pepperoni whirled above the pizza and the Mozzarella cheese looked like wings from angels as they flew onto our dining room table, it was a miracle!” Back to you in the Studio LANTERO Finally Police were called Sunday morning to Rockwell Park in Bristol, England for a burglary complaint and were told by park employees that someone was in the chimney. The Bristol man, who was not injured, was arrested and charged with burglary, trespassing and criminal mischief. Remember...The easiest way for a man to instantly fall asleep is to ask his wife what she did today. Tune in next time when NO EYEWITNESS NEWS when we report News you can FOGETTABOUT!

10/LANTERO I’m MARCUS LANTERO-We’re here to cover the news nobody wants to talk about. We uncover stories that will make you think while you're eating your favorite pasta. News that you can FOGETTABOUT! Fans flocked to Huntington Beach on Friday to watch top canine athletes compete in the Purina Pro Plan Incredible Dog Challenge surf contest. Dogs ranging from 2 to 13 years old — Corgis, Dalmatians, Pit Bulls, Labradors and more — showed off their skills riding waves, drawing cheers from beachside spectators as they aimed to “hang ten” and secure a spot in K9 surfing history. A police officer responding to a gunshot call called his police chief. Officer - "We have an old lady here who shot her husband for walking on the floor after she just mopped it" Chief - "Have you arrested her?" Officer - "No, not yet. The floor is still wet" An officer pulled a man over in Chicago for speeding and asked him to get out of the car. The officer said, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really annoyed and replies, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?" Father Stephano Ciceron reports from our Vatican Bureau Sicilian Joseph Gooch, the inventor of concrete shoes, used by popular figures like Al Capone, Lucky Luciano, Cherry Nose LaBriola, in the 1930’s has invented a new line of “slip on” concrete footwear. The concrete “slip on’s” were recently tested in the Chicago River, inventor Gooch calls them the “Gotcha” shoes, one pair last forever. Back to you in the Studio Lantero Finally Miami Police reported a blonde got in her car and noticed her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield was missing.She called the police and reported a theft. When the officer arrived, he looked at the blonde who was crying and said, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat... Remember...Never scratch your head at an auction. Tune in next time when NO EYEWITNESS NEWS when we report News you can FOGETTABOUT!

11/LANTERO I’m MARCUS LANTERO-We’re here to cover the news nobody wants to talk about. We uncover stories that will make you think while you're eating your favorite pasta. News that you can FOGETTABOUT! History tells us our Italian ancestors originally made America Great. The first people who came to America were from Italy. There was Cristoforo Columbo, Giovanni Cabotto, and Amerigo Vespucci. They were also the first Italians who changed their names for business reasons. A little known fact was that Cristoforo Columbo’s ships on their first voyage were called the Anna Maria and the Alberghetti. We know Italians did change their real names for reasons that disappointed their parents. Tony Bennett, Frankie Avalon, Bobby Rydell, Dion, and Dean Martin. The reason their original names wouldn’t fit on a Marquee. Cardinal Stephano Ciceron reports from our Vatican Bureau Italian Scholar Larenzo Mastacholli wrote that some people achieve greatness by looking, dressing and walking like an Italian. Others are lucky to be born Italian. A few advantages of being Italian are, you can talk back to your barber, you can read Italian subtitles, and you’ll be able to pronounce “Marcello Mastroianni, minestrone" and “ciao.” And don’t forget you’ll have Columbus Day off. Common sense tells us your Italian ancestors made American Great. The first people who came to America were Italian. There was Cristoforo Columbo, Giovanni Cabotto, and Amerigo Vespucci. They were also the first Italians who changed their names for business reasons. Back to the studio Finally LANTERO A line that I used on my last trip to Italy was “Signorina, your eyes are as liquid as Anisette:, your little ears remind me of chilled limoncello, your lips are like a tasty Spumoni. I am drunk with your beauty. I wound up in a hospital in Rome for five days. Tune in next time when NO EYEWITNESS NEWS when we report News you can FOGETTABOUT!

12/LANTERO I’m MARCUS LANTERO-We’re here to cover the news nobody wants to talk about. We uncover stories that will make you think while you're eating your favorite pasta. News that you can FOGETTABOUT! Al Pacino has become the first major Hollywood celebrity to have an official audience with the newly elected pope, Pope Leo XIV. The star of The Godfather and Serpico met the pontiff at the Vatican on Monday. Pacino, 85, is currently in Italy shooting Maserati. More on that story from Cardinal Stephano Ciceron reports from our Vatican Bureau The 69-year-old is the first-ever pope hailing from the US, having been born in Chicago, Illinois. And as you can imagine, the internet wasted no time in commenting on the moment, with reactions that verged from humorous to plain dumb – especially when it came to the internet, who weren’t pleased that the new pope didn’t speak in English for his first speech. Some of the comments we collected here at the Vatican. Pope Francis from Chicago may be the first pontiff from the Catholic Church to be a White Sox Fan. Walter Peyton, Michael Jordan, Mike Ditka, and now God! Pope Francis’s probably eaten more hot dogs than all the previous 266 Popes combined. Catholics from the U.S. and around the world are wondering if the new Pope who likes “hot dogs” will lift the “don’t eat meat on Friday,” dictum? And word is that the new Pope will be sporting a new Popemobile. (Picture of a White GMC Pickup Truck) Back to you in the studio. Finally Lantero You may think Olive Oil shampoos and growing a mustache will help you look Italian, but the real secret is acquiring a Roman nose. You may find a doctor willing to use left-overs from an outpatients nose job. Tune in next time when NO EYEWITNESS NEWS when we report News you can FOGETTABOUT!