UNCLE VITO’S FUNERAL
BY
MIKE COLONNA
Copyright 2017
Mike Colonna
714-747-5670
SETTING: Vinnie’s funeral parlor on the Northside of
Chicago. A conference table is set up to resemble a casket.
CAST:
Vito, “The Forehead” Mostacholli (MOSS-TA- CHOLLI)lies in a
casket. Big time “mover and shaker” in Chicago’s Italian
ruling elite. (Dead)
Guido Fettuchini, the St. Anthony’s parish priest. (Larry Capeloto, sings at Frank’s Place, sidekick on WiseGuysCooking)
Barbina Al Dente, Vito’s First Wife, bubbly naive looking brunette.
(Fran Pomponio, part time actress)
Penne Malatesta, Vito’s Second Wife, sexy middle aged over
the hill former actress. (Alice Harnell, actress/producer) Morris Diamond’s significant other. (record/music producer, WiseGuysCooking)
Angelina Farfalla, Vito’s Third Wife, looks and talks like a
waitress. (Jenny Capeloto, part time actress)
Fabiano Mostacholli, (MOSS-TA- CHOLLI) Vito’s son, distraught
but takes Vito’s death in stride. (Tony Pomponio, entertainer and “band leader” WiseGuysCooking)
Joe Picarreli, Vito’s Partner, “glad to be alive.” (Frank Montiforte, part time actor, “Cherry Nose Montiforte” in WiseGuysCooking)
Jimmy Fratella, Vito’s Accountant, and trustworthy friend. (Pete Astorino, Jimmy Durante impersonator, long time actor, Vegas entertainer)
FATHER GUIDO FETTUCHINI, THE FIRST SECOND AND THIRD WIVES AND SON OF VITO “ THE FOREHEAD” MOSTACHOLLI, WALK UP TO AISLE AND LINEUP BEHIND A THE COFFIN OF VITO MOSTACHOLLI. (MOSS-TA- CHOLLI)
The motley crew, the ex wives and son stand behind the casket
of the deceased.
FATHER GUIDO FETTUCHINI
Before we start I would like to say
a few words about our very close
friend Vito. He was a very
generous man, owner of one of the
biggest concrete companies here in
Chicago, Vito started out as a poor
immigrant from Sicily. He always
held his hand out to his enemies.
That’s probably why Vito lost a few
fingers and had his nose broken.
But I digress. Vito was one of the
backbones of St. Anthony’s church
here in the windy city.
I want to introduce his First wife Barbina.
She has a few words to say about Vito.
BARBINA ALDENTE
Vito, we will miss you. I’ll never
forget the first time we met at
Canelloni’s restaurant on the South
Side. It was a rainy night. The
traffic was unbearable. Our
chauffeur was making good time
until he hit the policeman on his
motorcycle. The officer was laying
there, our driver got out and told
the officer we were in a hurry and
gave him your card and 100 dollars.
The priest nudges Barbina to continue.
BARBINA (CONT’D)
When we sat down to eat, I noticed
a middle aged women who had the
most beautiful diamond earings.
Vito saw how much I loved those
earings, the next thing you know
the woman dissappeared and Vito had
gift wrapped the diamond earings in
a napkin. They fell out on my
spaghetti and meatballs. I must say
those meatballs never looked so good.
FATHER GUIDO FETTUCHINI
I’m sorry Barbina, we have this joint,
I mean funeral parlor, until 2 pm
and it’s already noon we have Hurry.
BARBINA ALDENTE (cont)
Thank you Father, I’ll be waiting
outside after the service behind
the sanctuary, I have an envelop
and a big surprise for you.
(She looks very available)
Father Guido embarassed whispers in Barbina’s ear and introduces Vito’s second wife.
FATHER GUIDO FETTUCHINI
Allow me to introduce Vito’s second
wife Penne. Again Vito sparred no
price to get the “hottest,” I mean he got
The most attractive women to marry him.
Penne, chewing gum, standing next to Father Guido.
PENNE MALATESTA
I would like to take the floor and
say a few kind words about my first
love. Vito. We met at a “bar” I
mean fine restaurant on the
Northside where I worked.
The name was “Santino’s
house of Girls.” Vito’s eyes and
mine met, he immediately bought 10
tickets so he could dance with me.
It was love at first site. Many of
you didn’t know that Vito was a
pioneer in the movie business. He
told me he produced dozens of home
movies, and wanted me to star in
his latest adventure.
He said that the movie was called
“I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts,”
it was a remake of one of those “out of
Africa” National Geographic films.
FATHER GUIDO FETTUCHINI
Penne, I don’t think it’s
appropriate for you to discuss this
movie at this time. I watched it,
it was entertaining, but the folks
here would not be interested.
PENNE MALATESTA
If you insist Father, I was getting
to the part you played, but we’ll
save that for another day.
Whatever,
Vito was a great man and
I will forever be in “his debt.” I
still owe him a few bucks, but I
guess I can “fogettaboutit.”
Father Guido introduces Vito’s third wife, Angelina Farfalla.
She’s standing next to Vito’s son Fabiano. During the
ceremony they’ve been lusting for each other.
ANGELINA FARFALLA
(Looking down sobbing at the site
of Vito’s dead body)
I don’t have the words to express
how much I loved this man.
I know he loved women
but I was his special one.
Penne and Barbina take offense at her comment.
ANGELINA FARFALLA
My first thoughts go out to his
family. Fabiano, his late brothers
Nunzio, Carmine and sister,
Josephine. They all met untimely
deaths. We will always miss you
Vito. His memories will always be
with me.
I remember when we were
dating and he took me to that
famous restaurant, The Last Supper
Club” that’s where he took clients
that owed him money. After that we
had a wonderful drive down the
Congress Street express way and
Vito showed me all of the special
concrete barriers named after his
friends. Yes, Vito was a special man.
FATHER GUIDO FETTUCHINI
Thank you Angelina, you were my
favorite. (Wink)
Father Guido then introduces Fabiano.
FATHER GUIDO FETTUCHINI
Vito always bragged about his son.
He was always proud of how he
Handled the business. He was a “hit” with
The women, and a “hitman” with some
Of his clients. Fabiano you’re a good boy.
FABIANO
Barbina, Penne amd Angelina (big
winks). Thank you Father Guido.
I’m so happy you are all here
today to honor my father.
Before I make some big announcements
About my fathers will, (the wives show
excitement)
I want to say a few words about Vito.
I know what you’re thinking,
the police reports say he killed himself
by drowning in his bathtub.
I don’t believe it. I ask you,
how can you commit suicide
if you’re hands are tied
behind your back, you’re blindfolded,
with your clothes on,
and there’s no water in the tub?
Another question?
How could he have
written a suicide note and taped to his
forehead? (cont)
Did it have anything to do about
his nickname, Vito “the Forehead”
Mostacholli? I doubt it, very much,
the police did not do a good job
investigating my fathers untimely
death.
He was a generous man, after some
his business partners disappeared, after some
Small disagreements, he made sure the
families had something to remember
them by.
He donated concrete park
benches with their names inscribed
in Lincoln Park.
Another gift my father donated to the city
was a concrete center divider on the
Chicago River bridge named after
Joey Falcone, one his biggest competitors.
Those were a few of the ways he showed
his love of country and affection
for his competitors and friends. Does
Anyone know what happened to
Joey Falcone? A Mystery!
God rest your soul dad. Thank you
Father.
(Father Guido blesses him)
FATHER GUIDO FETTUCHINI
I’m sure there are others that
would like to say a few things
about this great man. Please
Make it brief.
(Looking at his watch).
I have a few announcements, please be
generous when our ushers when when
They pass the basket, we need cash
to pay the caterers at “Meatballs are Us”
after this solemn event.
Father nods to the audience to come up and say a few words about Vito.
First, Joe Picarrelli wants
to say a few words.
JOE PICARRELI
I have a few IOU’s you’re father
gave me (looking at Fabiano) but we
can talk about that later.
As you know I was one of Vito’s
trusted partners. Our concrete
business was the go to place if you
needed a driveway, or highway named
After somebody.
There are many highways leaving
Chicago named after some of our
clients. If you look closely at some off
ramps they are named after some
of my partners ex-partners.
I am grateful we could do this for them.
We were like brothers.
Joe wipes his eyes with his handkerchief.
FATHER GUIDO FETTUCHINI
Thank you Joe, anyone else?
Jimmy Fratello stands up to eulogize Vito.
JIMMY FRATELLO
Some of you may know me, since I
was Vito’s accountant and “bag
man.” I mean collector, or how
should I put it, his confidante.
Vito was a special man, he did it
“his way.”
( Joey breaks out in song)
“For what is a man, what he
has got, if not himself, then he
has naught, he took the blows,
MY records show, He did it his way.”
FATHER GUIDO FETTUCHINI
Joey thank you for that wonderful
tribute. Incidentally ladies and
gentlemen, Joey wants you to know
he sings Kareoke on Wednesday
nights at Picasso’s Meatball
factory on the Northside.
If you like Jimmy’s tribute,
there’s a tip jar at the end of the aisle.
FATHER GUIDO FETTUCHINI (Cont)
Before we leave, Fabiano, Vito’s
son, wants to make an announcement.
FABIANO
We want everyone in the room to pay
their respects to my father. The
ushers will hand out envelops after
the service.
Finally, my father Vito asked
me to announce that Father Fettuchini
annulled all of his marriages.
His company, and bank accounts would
be transferred to me, his son Fabiano.
Remember the tip jar the envelops
on the way out. (Big Smile)
Vito’s three wives leave in a huff down the center aisle.
Father Guido is behind Fabiano and the three wives blessing everyone as he leaves the funeral parlor.
The end.
BY
MIKE COLONNA
Copyright 2017
Mike Colonna
714-747-5670
SETTING: Vinnie’s funeral parlor on the Northside of
Chicago. A conference table is set up to resemble a casket.
CAST:
Vito, “The Forehead” Mostacholli (MOSS-TA- CHOLLI)lies in a
casket. Big time “mover and shaker” in Chicago’s Italian
ruling elite. (Dead)
Guido Fettuchini, the St. Anthony’s parish priest. (Larry Capeloto, sings at Frank’s Place, sidekick on WiseGuysCooking)
Barbina Al Dente, Vito’s First Wife, bubbly naive looking brunette.
(Fran Pomponio, part time actress)
Penne Malatesta, Vito’s Second Wife, sexy middle aged over
the hill former actress. (Alice Harnell, actress/producer) Morris Diamond’s significant other. (record/music producer, WiseGuysCooking)
Angelina Farfalla, Vito’s Third Wife, looks and talks like a
waitress. (Jenny Capeloto, part time actress)
Fabiano Mostacholli, (MOSS-TA- CHOLLI) Vito’s son, distraught
but takes Vito’s death in stride. (Tony Pomponio, entertainer and “band leader” WiseGuysCooking)
Joe Picarreli, Vito’s Partner, “glad to be alive.” (Frank Montiforte, part time actor, “Cherry Nose Montiforte” in WiseGuysCooking)
Jimmy Fratella, Vito’s Accountant, and trustworthy friend. (Pete Astorino, Jimmy Durante impersonator, long time actor, Vegas entertainer)
FATHER GUIDO FETTUCHINI, THE FIRST SECOND AND THIRD WIVES AND SON OF VITO “ THE FOREHEAD” MOSTACHOLLI, WALK UP TO AISLE AND LINEUP BEHIND A THE COFFIN OF VITO MOSTACHOLLI. (MOSS-TA- CHOLLI)
The motley crew, the ex wives and son stand behind the casket
of the deceased.
FATHER GUIDO FETTUCHINI
Before we start I would like to say
a few words about our very close
friend Vito. He was a very
generous man, owner of one of the
biggest concrete companies here in
Chicago, Vito started out as a poor
immigrant from Sicily. He always
held his hand out to his enemies.
That’s probably why Vito lost a few
fingers and had his nose broken.
But I digress. Vito was one of the
backbones of St. Anthony’s church
here in the windy city.
I want to introduce his First wife Barbina.
She has a few words to say about Vito.
BARBINA ALDENTE
Vito, we will miss you. I’ll never
forget the first time we met at
Canelloni’s restaurant on the South
Side. It was a rainy night. The
traffic was unbearable. Our
chauffeur was making good time
until he hit the policeman on his
motorcycle. The officer was laying
there, our driver got out and told
the officer we were in a hurry and
gave him your card and 100 dollars.
The priest nudges Barbina to continue.
BARBINA (CONT’D)
When we sat down to eat, I noticed
a middle aged women who had the
most beautiful diamond earings.
Vito saw how much I loved those
earings, the next thing you know
the woman dissappeared and Vito had
gift wrapped the diamond earings in
a napkin. They fell out on my
spaghetti and meatballs. I must say
those meatballs never looked so good.
FATHER GUIDO FETTUCHINI
I’m sorry Barbina, we have this joint,
I mean funeral parlor, until 2 pm
and it’s already noon we have Hurry.
BARBINA ALDENTE (cont)
Thank you Father, I’ll be waiting
outside after the service behind
the sanctuary, I have an envelop
and a big surprise for you.
(She looks very available)
Father Guido embarassed whispers in Barbina’s ear and introduces Vito’s second wife.
FATHER GUIDO FETTUCHINI
Allow me to introduce Vito’s second
wife Penne. Again Vito sparred no
price to get the “hottest,” I mean he got
The most attractive women to marry him.
Penne, chewing gum, standing next to Father Guido.
PENNE MALATESTA
I would like to take the floor and
say a few kind words about my first
love. Vito. We met at a “bar” I
mean fine restaurant on the
Northside where I worked.
The name was “Santino’s
house of Girls.” Vito’s eyes and
mine met, he immediately bought 10
tickets so he could dance with me.
It was love at first site. Many of
you didn’t know that Vito was a
pioneer in the movie business. He
told me he produced dozens of home
movies, and wanted me to star in
his latest adventure.
He said that the movie was called
“I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts,”
it was a remake of one of those “out of
Africa” National Geographic films.
FATHER GUIDO FETTUCHINI
Penne, I don’t think it’s
appropriate for you to discuss this
movie at this time. I watched it,
it was entertaining, but the folks
here would not be interested.
PENNE MALATESTA
If you insist Father, I was getting
to the part you played, but we’ll
save that for another day.
Whatever,
Vito was a great man and
I will forever be in “his debt.” I
still owe him a few bucks, but I
guess I can “fogettaboutit.”
Father Guido introduces Vito’s third wife, Angelina Farfalla.
She’s standing next to Vito’s son Fabiano. During the
ceremony they’ve been lusting for each other.
ANGELINA FARFALLA
(Looking down sobbing at the site
of Vito’s dead body)
I don’t have the words to express
how much I loved this man.
I know he loved women
but I was his special one.
Penne and Barbina take offense at her comment.
ANGELINA FARFALLA
My first thoughts go out to his
family. Fabiano, his late brothers
Nunzio, Carmine and sister,
Josephine. They all met untimely
deaths. We will always miss you
Vito. His memories will always be
with me.
I remember when we were
dating and he took me to that
famous restaurant, The Last Supper
Club” that’s where he took clients
that owed him money. After that we
had a wonderful drive down the
Congress Street express way and
Vito showed me all of the special
concrete barriers named after his
friends. Yes, Vito was a special man.
FATHER GUIDO FETTUCHINI
Thank you Angelina, you were my
favorite. (Wink)
Father Guido then introduces Fabiano.
FATHER GUIDO FETTUCHINI
Vito always bragged about his son.
He was always proud of how he
Handled the business. He was a “hit” with
The women, and a “hitman” with some
Of his clients. Fabiano you’re a good boy.
FABIANO
Barbina, Penne amd Angelina (big
winks). Thank you Father Guido.
I’m so happy you are all here
today to honor my father.
Before I make some big announcements
About my fathers will, (the wives show
excitement)
I want to say a few words about Vito.
I know what you’re thinking,
the police reports say he killed himself
by drowning in his bathtub.
I don’t believe it. I ask you,
how can you commit suicide
if you’re hands are tied
behind your back, you’re blindfolded,
with your clothes on,
and there’s no water in the tub?
Another question?
How could he have
written a suicide note and taped to his
forehead? (cont)
Did it have anything to do about
his nickname, Vito “the Forehead”
Mostacholli? I doubt it, very much,
the police did not do a good job
investigating my fathers untimely
death.
He was a generous man, after some
his business partners disappeared, after some
Small disagreements, he made sure the
families had something to remember
them by.
He donated concrete park
benches with their names inscribed
in Lincoln Park.
Another gift my father donated to the city
was a concrete center divider on the
Chicago River bridge named after
Joey Falcone, one his biggest competitors.
Those were a few of the ways he showed
his love of country and affection
for his competitors and friends. Does
Anyone know what happened to
Joey Falcone? A Mystery!
God rest your soul dad. Thank you
Father.
(Father Guido blesses him)
FATHER GUIDO FETTUCHINI
I’m sure there are others that
would like to say a few things
about this great man. Please
Make it brief.
(Looking at his watch).
I have a few announcements, please be
generous when our ushers when when
They pass the basket, we need cash
to pay the caterers at “Meatballs are Us”
after this solemn event.
Father nods to the audience to come up and say a few words about Vito.
First, Joe Picarrelli wants
to say a few words.
JOE PICARRELI
I have a few IOU’s you’re father
gave me (looking at Fabiano) but we
can talk about that later.
As you know I was one of Vito’s
trusted partners. Our concrete
business was the go to place if you
needed a driveway, or highway named
After somebody.
There are many highways leaving
Chicago named after some of our
clients. If you look closely at some off
ramps they are named after some
of my partners ex-partners.
I am grateful we could do this for them.
We were like brothers.
Joe wipes his eyes with his handkerchief.
FATHER GUIDO FETTUCHINI
Thank you Joe, anyone else?
Jimmy Fratello stands up to eulogize Vito.
JIMMY FRATELLO
Some of you may know me, since I
was Vito’s accountant and “bag
man.” I mean collector, or how
should I put it, his confidante.
Vito was a special man, he did it
“his way.”
( Joey breaks out in song)
“For what is a man, what he
has got, if not himself, then he
has naught, he took the blows,
MY records show, He did it his way.”
FATHER GUIDO FETTUCHINI
Joey thank you for that wonderful
tribute. Incidentally ladies and
gentlemen, Joey wants you to know
he sings Kareoke on Wednesday
nights at Picasso’s Meatball
factory on the Northside.
If you like Jimmy’s tribute,
there’s a tip jar at the end of the aisle.
FATHER GUIDO FETTUCHINI (Cont)
Before we leave, Fabiano, Vito’s
son, wants to make an announcement.
FABIANO
We want everyone in the room to pay
their respects to my father. The
ushers will hand out envelops after
the service.
Finally, my father Vito asked
me to announce that Father Fettuchini
annulled all of his marriages.
His company, and bank accounts would
be transferred to me, his son Fabiano.
Remember the tip jar the envelops
on the way out. (Big Smile)
Vito’s three wives leave in a huff down the center aisle.
Father Guido is behind Fabiano and the three wives blessing everyone as he leaves the funeral parlor.
The end.
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